


I Was Me

by DeanWinchesterIsTrans



Category: Doctor Who
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-14
Updated: 2017-07-14
Packaged: 2018-12-02 06:31:46
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,969
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11503719
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DeanWinchesterIsTrans/pseuds/DeanWinchesterIsTrans
Summary: Missy finds the Gallifreyan equivalent of embarrassing home videos, basically.





	I Was Me

**Author's Note:**

> Title from Imagine Dragons' "I Was Me"

Missy was rummaging through a few boxes, searching for the right replacement part for this job. The part wasn't in urgent need of replacing, but if the TARDIS wanted to avoid spontaneous combustion for more than the next few hundred trips, it should get switched out. While she hadn't found that tricky little piece of machinery, so far she had found: a worn copy of A Wrinkle In Time along with several notes and annotations scribbled in, a takeout menu for a pizza place established in the early fifty-first century, an eyepatch, a windup toy, four-dimensional Eye Spy, and a pack of playing cards where the eyes on the face cards tracked the person holding them.

She was about to move on to the next box, declaring this one useless, when an object at the bottom caught her eye. Missy reached down, shoving more of the nonsense items out of the way, easily scooping up the white cube into her hands. She grinned, realizing what it was.

Missy dashed up the steps, and through all the corridors it took to get to the console. The trip was quicker than usual; she swore the TARDIS was helping her find the shortest path.

She skidded into the control room, yelling for the Doctor. Nardole, who was sitting in one of the chairs by the console, stood up indignantly at Missy's loud entrance and shuffled over to her.

"Missy, what's going on? What is that?"

Missy just ignored him, waiting for the Doctor and Bill to come through the TARDIS doors. They had been sitting out there, reviewing for a large test coming up in one of her classes. Just because the whole wide universe awaits inside this tiny blue box, doesn't mean school, and the rest of mundane, everyday life stops functioning. It's too bad really, because that would be an amazing excuse to get out of class.

The door opened with a creak, and the Doctor peered his head into the ship. Upon realizing nothing was on fire, or in immediate danger of attempting murder or severe property damage, he cautiously stepped inside. Bill stepped inside, also looking around the room once.

Missy's smile grew wider when she saw the two of them. "Come see what I found!" she crowed, lifting up the cube so they could see it better, eagerly watching for the Doctor's response.

She was definitely not disappointed by his reaction. Once he saw the cube, he covered his face with his hands and groaned. "Missy, no. Give that to me," he insisted.

Bill walked over to Missy and asked, "What's that?"

"That is a video player, of sorts," Missy informed her. "... to put it in the most Earth-like terms possible." She placed the cube on the TARDIS console. She looked over her right shoulder, where Nardole stood, and back over to her right, where Bill stood. "Want to see?" she asked innocently, throwing a mischievous glance at the Doctor that was anything but.

The Doctor, realizing that oh, she was actually going to do that, hurried over to where his friends huddled around the cube. "No, no, no, no, no, no, no, Missy, no, don't," he ordered.

Missy pretended not to hear him, and pressed a groove on the flat surface. A picture of a blond boy with a goofy smile flickered to life, projected above the cube, the picture resembling a floating computer monitor. The Doctor sighed loudly, and the TARDIS, being the thoughtful lady she is, dimmed the lights. Missy tapped the center of the holographic screen, and the video began to play.

 

The blond boy waved at the screen excitedly, as if he had too much energy to ever be standing still. "Hello! I'm Theta Sigma!" He pointed to the black haired boy sitting a bit behind him. "And that's Koschei, my best friend!"

 

Quietly, Bill asked, "Who are they?" She didn't want to be rude and talk over the video, but she was very curious as to why Missy was showing them this video.

Missy didn't seem to mind the question, and she paused the video. "That's the Doctor," she responded, pointing to the blond that identified himself as Theta Sigma. Her finger moved to point to the boy introduced as Koschei. "And that's me."

"Oh!" Nardole murmured. "Now that's interesting."

"Wait, really?" Bill asked, first looking to Missy to try to discern if she was lying or not, then looking to the Doctor.

"Yes, 'really'," the Doctor said softly, not taking his eyes off the screen.

Missy turned to watch the Doctor's expression for a few moments, then turned back to the video and unpaused it.

 

"What the hell are you doing, Thete?" Koschei asked with a lazy smile, adoration blatantly clear on his face. The TARDIS didn't translate swearing for those who didn't speak the language, but the general meaning still came across.

"I'm recording," Theta replied, rolling his eyes.

Koschei raised an eyebrow. "I meant, why are you recording?"

"So I can remember this!" Theta declared.

"We're Gallifreyan, do you think you'll forget anything?"

"I don't know! What if I get hit on the head and get amnesia, I wanna remember this somehow," Theta pouted.

Koschei's expression softened. "Okay, fine, record away then."

A muffled shout came through the door. Koschei bolted upright, stammering out a quick 'yes sir.' He turned to the camera, a worried expression on his face. "Shut that off, my father will kill me if he sees you in here with that." The video cut to black.

 

During the video the Doctor had walked closer to Missy. When it stopped, he reached forward and grabbed her hand. Missy took a quick breath in, out, then smiled brightly and asked, "Anyone wanna see something from school?" Without waiting for an answer, she pressed a few more buttons, pulling up another video, this one marked "studying..."

 

"Thete, you need to study, please," Koschei pleaded, sitting across from Theta on a bed.

"Nooooooooooo," Theta whined, leaning forward onto Koschei's chest.

"Please," he requested, not at all moved by his dearest friend's dramatics.

"Why." Theta's voice was muffled, as he didn't feel like moving from his spot.

Koschei pushed Theta upright, and looked him dead in the eye. "If you flunk this class, I'll be stuck in it all alone, and then I'll have no other choice but to burn down the lecture hall and frame someone, my dear Theta," he informed his friend cheerfully. "Now, after landing a TARDIS, what must you do before leaving the safety of the ship?"

"C-check the scanners?" Theta stammered uncertainly, half guessing.

Koschei pulled Theta close and kissed him. "Yes!" Then he leaned back again. "Check for what?"

"Atmosphere, temperature, and radiation?" Theta answered, really hoping he was right.

"... And?"

"And?!"

"Well atmosphere, temperature, and radiation are all fine and well, if you're okay with stepping out into a Dalek warzone," Koschei said, rolling his eyes.

"Okay, fine. Where I am and what's outside."

He smiled. "Now repeat that back again."

"Atmosphere, temperature, radiation, location, and visual scan," Theta repeated instantly.

"Perfect," Koschei said, kissing Theta again and the video faded to black.

 

"You two kissed a lot," Bill observed.

"He started it," Missy defended instantly. "Always so touchy for a Time Lord. He had the worst habit of kissing whoever was closest to him when he got excited. ... I just happened to be the closest one most often." She frowned thoughtfully, wondering how many of those excited kisses were purposefully given to her.

The Doctor scoffed. "Then you started kissing me back, and starting kisses too!"

Nardole cleared his throat awkwardly, and Bill laughed at them. Missy purposefully avoided all of their eyes, and selected another video.

 

"Come on, we're almost there!" Koschei called, racing up a hill. The person carrying the camera, presumably Theta, chased after him.

"There it is, Theta. Arcadia," Koschei announced, raising his arms to the burnt orange sky in a dramatic gesture at the top of the hill. As Theta came to the top of the hill, they could see it too. The giant glass dome and the reaching buildings, surrounded by fields and fields of red grass. "The Citadel of the Time Lords. The safest place on Gallifrey."

"Ko, shut up about that 'safest place on Gallifrey' stuff. Only soldiers talk like that, and it's bad luck to focus on. I mean, it's not like we're at War or anything, and don't you dare say 'yet'!" Theta scolded.

"Yeah, yeah, sorry my dear," Koschei huffed, rolling his eyes.

"And anyways, we aren't here to see the Capital, we're here to see the stars." This time, Theta was the one to gesture dramatically to the sky. "The suns should be going down soon."

Koschei flopped down on the grass, and Theta laid down next to him. They linked their hands together.

"Where do you want to go first?" Koschei wondered.

"Earth, duh!" Theta said excitedly. "Where do you want to go?"

"I'm going to follow you, obviously." Koschei snorted. "You wouldn't last two seconds without someone by your side, anyways."

"Wanna steal a TARDIS together?" Theta suggested mischievously.

"Yes!"

"We can go see every star in the universe," Theta proposed, staring up at the darkening sky reverently, stars just starting to appear, "let's see them all."

Hesitantly, Koschei asked, "Promise?"

"Promise."

 

"Oh, dear. I-- I forgot how that one ended. I'm sorry. I'm sorry," Missy said, her voice barely above a whisper.

The Doctor took a shaky breath in and Bill looked to him, concern clearly written on her face. He turned to Bill and immediately put on a cheerful expression for her. "Want to see the Deca?" he asked, raising his eyebrows.

Bill started to ask about what the Deca might be, but the Doctor didn't wait for her questions. He just reached for the projection and selected another video.

 

A woman held the camera, facing her. She spoke directly to it. "Hello. We are the Deca," she stepped out of the way briefly, showing nine other people, including Theta and Koschei, sitting in the relatively small room along with the woman speaking, "and this video is being made for the highly likely circumstance of Theta being an idiot, and the highly unlikely circumstance of losing all his memory of us." At these words Theta, looking a couple years older than the previous video, beamed and waved at the camera, prompting an eye roll from the woman. "We will go around the room, stating our Academy nickname, and our chosen title."

A pause. "I'll start," she said dryly. "I am Ushas, and I will be called the Rani."

She passed the camera to her left, where a boy making eyes at her stood. He took the camera, glaring at Theta. "I am Magnus. I haven't chosen a title, and this whole recording is all very stupid." He passed the camera on to the next person.

"I am Vansellostophossius, but, please, call me Vansell," he announced.

"Nosebung!" Theta called out.

"Shut it, Theta!" Vansell hissed.

The next person snatched the camera from Vansell before they could start squabbling. "I am Drax. ...That's about it." He handed it to the next person, a kind looking woman with blue hair.

"I am Millennia. I don't have a title in mind, but that's okay," she said sweetly. She passed it to a man standing close by her, her hands lingering by his when they held the camera.

"I'm Rallonwashatellaraw." He shrugged. "Just call me Rallon, though. No title yet." He handed it to the next person.

The man held the camera and chuckled. "I am Mortimus, and I'm considering the title of Monk. It could be a fun disguise, really."

Koschei was next, and he held the camera carefully, then grinned.

"I'm Koschei, and I will be known the Master. And you'd better not forget me, my dear." Theta blushed, then stammered and turned the camera towards him.

"Um, I'm Theta Sigma, and I'll be the Doctor!"

 

"Some of those names sound pretty human," Nardole remarked after a moment or two of silence.

A bit offended, Missy shot back, "Actually, several human names and titles sound Time Lord."

Nardole shrugged. "Fair enough."

"Hang on, if you chose the title 'the Master', why do you go by Missy?" Bill asked.

"It's short for Mistress," Missy explained, saying her name in a silly voice. "I thought it would be fun to keep the Doctor guessing on my identity for a bit," she laughed. "Though, I wouldn't mind being called the Master again," she added.

Bill laughed. "Nah mate, Missy's fine, thanks." Nardole shook his head vehemently with a disapproving look, instantly refusing to call her that. The Doctor just shrugged, muttering something about thousands of years of habit and tradition; his response overall adding up to a "maybe sometimes."

The Doctor set up a few videos to play consecutively. "Hey want to see embarrassing videos of Missy?" Missy began to protest, but they already started to play.

 

The video opened with Koschei pacing back and forth in a cluttered bedroom.

"English is the absolute worst language. I'm sure of it, and I've learned Sycoraxic!" he ranted.

"Why don't you go off the TARDIS Translation Matrix?" asked Theta absentmindedly.

"I want to know some things for myself, dear, and TARDISes aren't infallible." He sighed. "It's just that the grammar is so contrary to anything resembling reason, and the phrases are so odd. Like 'it's raining cats and dogs'? 'Kick the bucket'? The Earth English tasted horribly flat and dull in his mouth. "Not to mention the fact that the grammar changes every few decades!" he added.

"Kosch, dear, Gallifreyan grammar also changes often," Theta explained, half patient, half patronizing. "Old High Gallifreyan is completely different from what we speak now, and don't even get me started on written forms."

"Yes," Koschei complained, "but those variations make sense." He huffed exasperatedly, slumping his shoulders like a petulant toddler.

"No, they don't," Theta argued. He seemed to care more about aggravating his friend than winning any sort of argument. Koschei all but growled at Theta, who just laughed in response. "You're cute when you're angry," Theta teased.

"I am going to kick ur ass," threatened Koschei. The video immediately cut there, but continued with another bit of footage.

"This video is a compilation of weird places Koschei has fallen asleep. Stay tuned for more of his regrettable decisions," the woman earlier introduced as Ushas stated dramatically, with mock seriousness.

The camera zoomed from far away onto a small figure curled up on expansive fields of thick grass, by the base of a staircase, covered in crumpled robes and wildly messed up dark hair.

"What's he doing?" giggled a voice out of the camera's view.

"What is he ever doing?" droned another, full of boredom.

"We should wake him up," an anxious voice said.

"No, no let him get some sleep!" a chipper voice insisted, Theta's voice. "I'll take him back to our room, let him get some rest."

The cameraperson cautiously followed Theta as he hurried down the steps toward his friend. Once he reached him, Theta picked Koschei up bridal-style without much difficulty, cradling him close to his chest. Theta looked at him fondly until the person holding the camera started making kissy noises. "Oh shut up, Ushas!" Theta stuttered. He glared at her, then turned and walked back up the steps.

The screen went black, then opened back up in a huge library. The view scanned the shelves, then panned down to a man curled up at a table, surrounded by piles of books and papers. The largest book was open in front of Koschei, one arm draped over the page. His face looked exhausted and drawn. It was covered in technical diagrams; the label of one briefly translated to English before flicking back. 'Paradox Machine' it read.

The camera person moved in closer to Koschei. His eyes flickered open briefly, piercingly clear and seeming devoid of any life, muttering, "Mortimer. Kindly get out my face before I carve out your right heart, make it into a lovely dinner, and force you to watch as I serve it to your immediate family." He smiled dryly, and as Mortimer hastily backed out of the room, swearing magnificently, his expression briefly dropped to one of pain and defeat before squeezing his eyes tightly shut and sleeping again.

The camera switched to a hallway outside of what looked like dorm rooms. The person holding the camera turned to a specific door, marked with several scribbled circles. The door was slightly ajar, and the person filming pushed it open to reveal Koschei fast asleep on the floor.

The same opening sequence of opening the door was shown again, this time Koschei was shown on a bed... but not his own, judging by Theta's swearing behind the camera.

"Really?! There's only two beds, you'd think he would remember which was his!"

The camera cut to a laboratory. Koschei was, unsurprisingly, sleeping like a rock, leaning on a countertop.

"Should we wake him up...? He's awfully close to that flame, and Ushas' mold specimen ate an entire rat last week. I don't want it to get a taste of Time Lord," the blue-haired woman, Millennia, fussed, and the camera focused on her momentarily.

"I'd rather not lose any of my vital organs, thanks," another person snorted, standing somewhere behind the camera, probably Mortimer if the clips were pieced together in chronological order. He had been given a rather impressive threat earlier.

"Yikes, okay," Millennia conceded, then paused. "Theta, you go do it," she commanded, almost with the tone of someone adding 'I dare you' to the end of a request.

"Why me?" Theta leaned up against another counter, carefully spaced far away from Ushas' specimens.

"He's... less violent with you," Millennia offered with a small smile, like 'you really have no choice but to do this, but I offer my sincere condolences if you happen to lose any limbs in the process.'

Theta walked over to where his friend was pathetically crumpled up, clinging to the countertop in sleep. He shoved him, hoping to wake him up.

"Let me sleep," Koschei murmured softly, not even opening his eyes, possibly just talking in his sleep. At Theta's refusal to listen and leave him alone, he grit his teeth and ordered, "Obey me."

Theta froze momentarily as his words washed over him, then closed his eyes and shook his head as if clearing a fog from his mind. He opened his eyes, furious. "Did you just really try that shit on me?!"

Koschei blinked in confusion, clearly not realizing where he was, what was going on, or what he had just done. Not that Theta cared anymore. "Wha--?" he started to ask, interrupted by Theta Sigma's fist colliding with his face, knocking him back a couple steps.

"Don't you ever dare try that again!" Theta spat out, enraged.

Koschei stood wavering shakily on his feet. He was tired, disoriented, and his best friend (his only friend, insisted a traitorous thought) had just hit him. A trail of red-orange blood trickled from his nose, down his chin, finally a single drop falling to the pristine white floor of the lab. Koschei calmly watched it fall.

The droplet hit the floor and his temper snapped. He marched forward and kneed Theta in the gut, then punched him square in the jaw. Koschei grabbed him by the front of his robes and hauled him up to his height. "What the hell was that for?"

The video did not include Theta's response, but apparently it wasn't very good, judging by the sound of shattering glass behind them. Mortimer and Millennia jogged off to find some authority figure to break up the fight before they caused too much property damage, Mortimer carrying the camera with him.

The scene cut to Theta and Koschei sullenly sitting in what looked like an administrator's office. Koschei huffed a sigh and started fussing over Theta's rumpled clothes and black eye, even though they were both his fault. "I am sorry for trying to give you an order," Koschei admitted, wisely avoiding any excuses. "I shouldn't have done that, and I shouldn't have hit you back." He affectionately brushed his hand, hesitant, over Theta's eye, hand briefly glowing with gold energy. When Koschei removed his hand, Theta's bruise had vanished.

"Did you just waste regeneration energy on me?!" Theta said, indignant. He was still fairly riled up after the incident.

Koschei slumped back in his chair, smudging his nosebleed with clumsy fingers. "'S not a waste on you, dear," he mumbled, drifting back off to sleep.

 

"You're in love," Bill informed them. "You're both completely in love."

"Were in love. Past tense. Were, not are." the Doctor insisted. He looked to Missy for her to back him up on this, but she just shrugged, not giving a yes or a no.

Missy reached for the cube and selected another video.

 

"Come on! Come on, Susan, walk to me. Come on, you can do it," Theta encouraged a little toddler balanced next to the wall of a house. They were outside in a field of tall red grass, suns high in the sky.

"If you keep calling her that, it's going to stick," Koschei lectured.

"What's so wrong with that name?"

Koschei sighed. "Nothing, other than the fact that it isn't actually her name. It's almost as bad as your obsession with John Smith. And anyways, she'll never walk if you keep coddling her. Run, Arkytior. Run, and don't be scared."

The little Susan made a determined face, let go of the wall she was balancing against, and ran towards Koschei. When she reached him, he scooped her up in his arms, and balanced her on his hip. "Good job, my dear. You did wonderfully."

"Now who's coddling her?" Theta mocked. In a very mature, very reasonable response, Koschei stuck his tongue out at Theta.

In Koschei's arms Susan cooed, "Grandfather!" He threw his head back, cackling, as Theta's face flushed with jealousy.

"I am not your grandfather, little one," Koschei said, still laughing. He turned her towards Theta, "He is."

Susan tried to shift her weight towards Theta and reached her hands out towards him. "The little lady wants your attention," Koschei observed, carefully handing her over to Theta, who planted a kiss on the top of her head.

"She likes me better," Theta stage whispered to Koschei, who only rolled his eyes in response.

 

Surprised, Bill asked, "You have kids?"

"I did, yes," the Doctor replied, "That's Susan in the black-and-white photo on my desk."

Bill caught the past tense there, but figured she should just leave it for now. Though, she'd still ask about Susan later, of course.

 

In the video, another young girl ran out of the house. She appeared a couple years older than Susan, with long unruly dark hair. She dashed straight for Koschei, clinging onto him and smiling a clever little smile. "Father!"

Koschei grinned and picked her up. "Hello, my dearest."

 

Bill tried to stifle a yawn. She wasn't bored of the videos, she was just a bit tired. Missy saw her out of the corner of her eye, and paused the video. "How long have you been awake?" Missy questioned. "I keep on forgetting how much sleep you fleshy humans need. Go home, go get some rest. You can make fun of the Doctor for all this later."

Bill left the TARDIS with a light "see you later!" After she left, Nardole went back to ... whatever it was that he did during his free time. Missy went back to her search for replacement parts. And the Doctor pocketed the small white cube. For safekeeping, not personal reasons, of course. Don't be ridiculous.

**Author's Note:**

> Also please listen to "I Was Me" because it's a really good song. I think it's a Missy song, too.


End file.
